anxiety.

A lot of people talk about mania, depression, and mixed states, but I've never really read anything about anxiety. It gets mentioned ("As my depression worsened, my anxiety heightened"), but no one writes about how terrifying anxiety can be. I don't really know anyone with an anxiety disorder, but I can certainly describe my own.

My anxiety is triggered by large crowds, loud noises, boy troubles, and school. It's my belief that anxiety attacks are even worse than the deepest depression. At least with depression there's nothing that you can really fear because you've already fallen to the bottom and there's nothing else that can happen. The energy it takes to commit suicide is too much to think of, so you just sleep or lay in bed for days, weeks, months. Sometimes years. Anxiety, however, is a different story.

When I have an anxiety attack, I feel like I've spun around in a circle too quickly. My heart is beating so fast that I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I get dizzy and scared, that I am going to tumble onto the ground and not be able to get back up. I feel like I'm dying. That feeling, the one that makes me feel like I'm dying, is not comparable to any other emotion that humans are capable of. Breathing is impossible because my lungs and windpipe aren't working properly, they have closed up because I'm getting ready to die and they know their job is done. My stomach feels like a hurricane has lost its way to land and instead has settled itself into my guts. My stomach is the sea and the hurricane winds are churning it, making a whirlpool inside of me. It's all I can do to keep from vomiting.

And I cannot stop crying. Like the rains from the hurricane in my stomach have traveled to my tear ducts, pouring onto my cheeks. Sometimes I cry so hard I cough up blood. Not much, but enough to scare me. The whole time my brain is clogged, cloudy. My only thought is that I am close to death. It will get worse depending on where I am. If I'm at home, I simply take a Xanax and it goes away. I am calm and okay, albeit a little sleepy. If I'm out somewhere crowded and have forgotten my Xanax, I immediately know that I need to go home. If I catch the attack early and get out of the situation it will go away by itself. If it's not caused by the situation, then I need that pill.

Thunderstorms cause me a tremendous amount of anxiety. Strong winds, loud thunder, and close lightning are all very disturbing to me. This might be because we live very, very close to the area in the US that tornadoes favor the most. Boy trouble is another cause of anxiety. If I'm arguing, if he hasn't called in a while, if I miss him a lot, if I'm simply being paranoid, I might not have an anxiety attack, but my stomach will hurt and I get slightly dizzy. Eating is out of the question. Anything I put in my mouth will taste and feel like carpet. It's a waste of food.

I can't understand why no one writes about this. Anxiety is such a horrible feeling, but it gets almost no attention. The only thing that's really mentioned is the controversy over the addictive nature of the benzodiazipines, and the passing stuff. I went on Xanax XR over the summer. It helped tremendously when my anxiety had gotten so bad that I couldn't go out in public. I don't really have that problem anymore, so now I only take my Xanax when I have an anxiety attack. It's kind of sad that no one talks about it because it's a bigger problem than everyone thinks, and I for one know exactly why.